My Redemption Story, Part 1

I was addicted to pornography for fifteen years. I’ve shared that on stage, with might-as-well-be-strangers, with more women than I can remember, and in other surprising settings, but there’s something about the internet- oof. An ugly, beige bandaid has stayed in place, barely covering that scar in this arena- a fifteen-year wound that Jesus has already healed. I haven’t known how to pull the bandage off or when; how to let myself breathe in full with my scar exposed, yet finally, completely free.

My husband and friends can testify to my late-night comments and texts, ‘I think this is the year!’ Bless them. Well, this is the year. Because for my 33rd birthday in June I made the decision to share my story — the whole story. The beige bandaid is in the trash. This is my in-process story of His redemption:

At age twelve, curiosity led me into the gripping arms of a pornography addiction. To finally say that to the internet in our largely progressive, yet still female-oppressing culture feels both enlightening and like I need a bathroom. The addiction trickled in and out of my life- heavy at times, waning at times, completely absent at times, depending on season, stability, desire to escape, and connection (or lack of). What never waned however, was the shame of the adjectives that secretly covered me Hester Prynne-style. I was a ‘good Christian girl’ to anyone and everyone, a title I aspired to dutifully. Yet inwardly I felt disgusting, dirty, and like a disappointment- unworthy of love and acceptance. I was scared of being found out and scared of the consequences. I was terrified of being further devoured by shame, but more looming was the fear of rejection.

And now here I am: showing my scar to the internet. The very thing I thought I would never share with anyone, I’m telling everyone, but that’s what Jesus’s captive-setting freedom does. He doesn’t just give us a taste of freedom, or a freedom that hinges on our performance. He makes His people fully free, abundantly free — regardless of who we are, where we’ve been, or what we’ve done.

Jesus never said discipline and accountability set you free, or programs and phone apps. Telling a close friend or a small group is courageous and provides balm to the hurting soul, but in my experience it never proves to be a lasting cure- the bandaid always seems to go back on. Some of the remedies cause positive, ripple effects that linger longer than others — I’ve tried them all — but ultimately, I felt like an addict for fifteen years. But I was already free- because He doesn’t throw stones, He picks us up out of the dust. I just didn’t know how to live like it. Thankfully, to be continued…🌼

Photo by Kaylynn Krieg Photography